Heavy heart on a summer evening,
I read every day, sometimes I don’t know why I get so anxious if I am not reading. I feel a need to escape my thoughts, to find answers, to know that it will all be ok. If I am not reading I get lost in my thoughts, I feel as if I am drowning in a chlorine filled pool where the ratio between the chemicals and water is unjustly unproportioned. I don’t like to feel that way. So, I read. The organized thoughts and sentences written by others is quite fascinating and mostly satisfying. How can some authors put such beautiful words together and allow me to feel uninhibited by my own confusion of thought?
By understanding my environment and analyzing the minds around me gives me a sense of control. “I understand the world I live in, so I know I will be ok.” Right? This is the plan, what we tell ourselves. Maybe there is so much I do not know about the world I live in because I didn’t receive a proper education early on, I attended 10 schools by the time I was in High School, I don’t know how to build meaningful relationships, and my parents didn’t complete a formal education, or in colloquial language: shit, my mom didn’t even finish middle school. I have a curious mind, with rage and bitterness against those born into privilege. Why wasn’t I one of those people? I would often question God. Why is Harvard not even an option? Why is my religion the barrier between my father and I? Why am I Jewish and Mexican and English and African and…?
I have a hunger to know the things privilege know; a desire to rise above the antithesis of privilege. I was born in a corrupt country, I was born brown, I was born female and I am a foreigner in a country that was once my ancestors home. The odds may be against me but my hunger for knowledge and my growling appetite for remedies is yet to suffice.
Let me growl, let me not ever settle, let me seek and knock down barriers written against my name. Let me leave ordinary ways behind and let my ancestor’s revolutionary blood arise in me a passion to never conform, yet to do, to break the social constructs that have been inherited to my kind.
To read is to understand the history of my ancestry, to change the lineage of those to come generations subsequent to me. If to settle now, will be written down in history. To settle in injustice is no better than injustice itself.
[Picture] These are some of my August readings.